The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I’d … I’d rather not.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.