Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

don’t be scared

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend