Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

that colleague who touches your screen

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.