The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah