The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
There is wisdom there.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!