Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Cake!!

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

#Caturday

man: wait

time: no

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.