The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
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What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure