Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Alexa turn off the planet

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

i meant to share this earlier

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

General: We need aerial support now!

Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!