Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

Can’t. Being lazy.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.