The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
on da cob, we all corn
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty