Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂