The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately