Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly