the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Natural selection at its finest
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
The most accurate map ever devised.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.