the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.