the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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I only treason on days ending in y
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
what day is it?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.