The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Okey dokey.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.