The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement