The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it