I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
pat pat
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You got this…
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like