Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Cardio Made Easy

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.