Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

i actually laughed 😩

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone