The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.