The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I laughed way too hard at this 😂
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”