@weinerdog4life

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

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@MikeBigby

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@ceejoyner

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

@KMoFlo_official

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

@Jenny4ashley

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review