The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner