Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?