Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!