The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Every. Damn. Time.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.