The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.