Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”