Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.