Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too