The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no