Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing