Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh my god

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣