Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.