The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
rebranding
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.