Leading causes of cancer:
The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.
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“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
– the first cow ever milked
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.