@PsychoCesc

The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.

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@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@trentistweeting

“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@TheAlexNevil

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.