Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move