Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.