The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.