The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
You Might Also Like
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Not my job 😂
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again