The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Today’s Times
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel