Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

certified hallow’s eve classic

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

This did not end as expected.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun