Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Not all heroes wear capes.
Hotels are back
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website