@SillySassySmart

The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says “Happy Birthday” and you say “Thanks you too!”

The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says “Happy Birthday” and you say “Thanks you too!”

- @SillySassySmart

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@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@ProdigyNelson

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

@1Happytwit

I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?