the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate