the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”