The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car