The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m going to need a moment here.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Suuuuure
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
