Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Lmao 😁

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.