Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator