The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Story of my life…..
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO