The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”