The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
🤣
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
