The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
incredible book dedication
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
