The “baby” on the left….
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too