The “baby” on the left….
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.