Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

is nasa ok

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?