Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing