Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”