The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I put the mess in domestic.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.