The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot