You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
This concludes your parenting course.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Some people hear voices..
Some see invisible people..
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.
The universe has spoken.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
This is brilliant