The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football