The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.


“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*


[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh


Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? đŸ™‚

Me: oh God no


Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.


Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.


I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.