@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

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@Bandersnaaatch

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jess is coming over”
“Jess who indiscriminately murders people or-”
*Gets stabbed to death*
“Yes”

@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh

@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? đŸ™‚

Me: oh God no

@iGreenMonk

Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@Terdoh

I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.