Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

This came to me in a dream.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

[montage of me giving-up]

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.