The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”