The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
lol
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.