The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
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brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!